dear wendy,
how are you not a raging fat ass? if my dad were dave thomas, i would weigh at least 800 lbs....shoot, with a dollar menu like that, id wiegh a good 3 tons. did you keep your figure by starvation? i get the feeling you werent fed because you were red headed. and adopted. thats a bad combo!....unlike the combo #1, now thats a good combo.
sincerely,
dubya

dear frank, carmine and john gotti,
this hairstyle yall have---is aweful. too much product. no sideburns to be found. and to top it off, with sweatbands! absolutely atrocious....the worst part, is that other dudes that live up in your area think its cool, and imitate it. things of this nature should not be spread to others. oh, and whichever one of you wear those god-aweful color contacts- take em out.
sincerely,
dubya

dear grape-nuts,
you are basically gravel in a box. if i wanted to eat pebbles, i'd grab a mouthful of river-rocks and chow down. but, alas, i prefer to keep my teeth.
sncerely,
dubya

dear verizon wireless,
im convinced you only hire assholes. every single employee i have ever spoken to is sooo difficult. no, i am not the account holder. no, i dont know my moms social security number. no, i dont remember the password i created in 2001. no, i cannot calm down. activate my f*cking phone, and dont gimme anymore lip. gottit?!?!
sincerely,
dubya

dear dakota fanning,
you need to decide to grow up pretty soon. whenever youre on tv, or something, you do the same "im a child actor. i giggle. like me." its getting to become very annoying. besides, arent you like 15 by now? pretty much, i dont like you.
sincerely,
dubya

dear asian girl smoking,
i saw you on the corner of the street. i had to do a double take. its not everday you see an asian person lighting up a stogie. why is that?
sincerely,
dubya

dear star jones,
with all this publicity and you promoting your new book, you are all over TV. you obviously got gastric bypass surgery, and when you say "im not going to deny or confirm allegations that ive had surgery.", its a red flag. ya did it!
and i would also like to point out the monstrosity that rests upon your shoulders that you call a head. it is HUGE. you probably shouldve stayed fat, cause then your head would matched your body. bad move star....bad move.
sincerely,
dubya

dear sneezes,
i read somewhere, that you were 1/8 an orgasm. i would vouch that you are much more than that! i get severely pissed when someone pre-maturely says 'bless you', and i lose my sneeze. its such a let down. i like it better when you come in pairs, or even more. i guess if you do the math, 8 would equal an orgasm. who needs sex, when you can just catch a cold or sniff fresh, black, pepper?
sincerely,
dubya

dear peoples choice awards,
last night, you were on CBS. remember that? yeah, well i just got this strange feeling YOU LOVE TEXANS!!! now, before you hunt me down, jump my sexy-texan ass, let me explain how i came to this conclusion.
winners:
female move star- sandra bullock- lives in austin
female action star- jennifer garner- born in houston
male action star- matthew mcConaughey- born in uvalde, went to UT, lives in austin
on-screen match up/comedy movie- owen wilson & vince vaughn/wedding crashers- owen was born and raised in dallas, went to UT
song from a movie- 'these boots were made for walkin' by jessica simpson- born and raised in dallas
female performer- kelly clarkson- born in fort worth

after you showed your affection towards us, i felt a little uncomfortable. but dont worry, the feelings are mutual. you filled a few hours of worthless t.v., (mostly cause 'scrubs' wasnt on.)
sincerely,
dubya

dear scott baio,
youre like, a legend. after a stint on 'happy days' as chachi, you made a name for yourself as the ever-beloved charles. 'charles in charge' set the bar for mediocre, 80's, non-sensical television. and for some reason, i remember stories of you being quite the ladies man. good call, charles!...i mean scott. makin' ladies weak in the knees with---well, i dont really know.
i'm gonna start making bracelets that say W.W.S.B.D....when a difficult situation presents itself, all people should ask, "what would scott baio do?" the answer would probably always be 'hook up with a groupie', but the second thing would surely help. either way, its a win/win i guess.
sincerely,
dubya

dear inflatable bevo,
reflecting on the rose bowl, and basking in the glory of being national champions, i came up with my own MVP.....you. yeah, while vince young is out on the field scoring more points than jessica tandy's had birthdays, you bobble around in the most awkward spectacle. you do weird dances, and the slightest bit of wind makes it look like youre doing the limbo....alot. youre still my MVP. sincerely,
dubya

dear chef on the cream of wheat box,
i ate some of oatmeal-ish breakfast treat this morning. must say, 'bravo!' nothin better than some cream 'o wheat, and cinnamon toast. as i ate, i thought back to my childhood, and you on the front of the box. "were you black?" i thought hard. then i realized, "of course you are. all good foods have blatantly racist figures to, 'represent', if you may. for example, your homies uncle ben and aunt jemima." so to close---take care, my wheat-creamin' brotha-from-a-notha-mutha, and thanks for cookin' me up some good ole soul food.
sincerely,
dubya

dear koalas,
yall are tricky bastards. we are raised to think you are so cute. climbing around, eating meals consisting of only eucalyptus and sunshine. but, the truth is, yall can be pretty viscious. i know i shouldnt pre-judge, considering ive never personally met you. but the stories ive heard. ugh, swirling, crazy, grey, hurricanes of pain!
sincerely,
dubya

dear wallet, camera, and cell phone,
where are you? after an extremly long, joyous and drunken new year eve, all 3 of you are now m.i.a....i mean c'mon, i know i got drunker than 10 indians, but im pretty sure i didnt fling you out the window. or did i? well, i'd like to get you back camera. you can show me what i dont remember. and cell phone, you are my life. without you, my only means of communication is AIM or facebook. and what kind of life is that? wallet--i really need you back. you keep my ID, money and other important such things. guys, just come home. i wont be mad, just glad youre safe.
sincerely,
dubya