dear extenZe,
i had never heard of you until i was flipping around on TV at like 3:30 in the morning, and your entire infomercial made me laugh.
the whole thing was set up as a 'show' called 'SEX TALK' in which random people on the streets were asked if theyve heard of you, and later a panel of women was interviewed.
everyone was overly enthusiastic about your product, and one shallow whore went as far to tell her infomercial-boyfriend, "if you stop using it, our relationship is over."later, 3 women came on, aaaall laughin' it up about how theyve had a "big" problem with below average men. however, i think we get the last laugh, because one of those actresses, err i mean 'experienced ladies', will be hangin' out, and somebody will say, "werent you that slut on television, talking about how you looooove big ole penis', and you just cant get enough of huuuge penis', and youve slept with soooo many guys that you consider yourself a connoisseur of penis.?"
sincerely,
dubya

dear ice storm '07,
apparently, you are one bad bitch.
youve caused the entire city of austin to shut down. and we all know, this town only shuts down for two things 1.) dead birds, and 2.) cold weather.there are a few things i love about this weather.
first, news stations eat this shit up! its like crack for meteorologists. the top story is always the current conditions, slippery roads, and inevitably they interview someone who was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, "i didnt expect it to be this cold!"
second, classes are cancelled. how great is sleeping in when its cold, and you dont have to worry about anything?
lastly, everyones calling the weather a 'wintery mix' of rain, sleet, and snow.....wintery mix? whatever, it brings a smile to my face.
so everyone stay warm, go sledding, and buckle down til thursday.
sincerely,
dubya

dear madonna,
just wanted to give ya a holla, and say thanks!
thank you for dropping that god-aweful, fake, british accent.
as you make your media rounds promoting Arthur & The Invisibles, and subsequently stickin' up for everyones 2nd favorite, lesbian talk show host, youve seemed to have dropped the accent.
i cant help but feel like youre adopting babies of different countries, as well as adopting the dialect. before i get too far. do not start talking like a native Malawi woman.
so, once again, thanks! and keep up the good work.
remember your roots--the good ole U.S. of A--where you're more than welcome to go panty-less whilst getting out of a cab, and smack bubble gum during tv interviews.
sincerely,
dubya