dear TJ espinoza,
how excited are you about britney spears divorce from KFed, and her plan for a comeback?!?
you were in pretty much every britney performance, apperance, video, etc.
i bet you pee'd your dance pants, because youve been out of work since like 1997.

you guys were BFF, then she got all sexy & dropped your ass.
you probably thought you had the last laugh, when she got knocked up twice by a loser back up dancer (err, no offense).
welp, you were sadly mistaken.
sincerely,
dubya

ps-maybe you could take anonymous' advice and earn some money via the internet. lord knows if youre gonna get your j-o-b back w/ b.spears, you gotta be in tip top shape. as seen here:

Britney Spears - SNL Dance Auditions
Uploaded by nono_the_bean

dear anonymous,
stop posting comments on my page, trying to get me to "earn cash fast."
i get all excited that people are responding to some bad ass blogging, and instead its your mysterious ass givin' me financial advice.
im not cool with this. if i wanted to earn some money quick on the internet, i'd sell some crap on Ebay.
leeve-mee-'lone!
sincerely,
dubya

dear KFC,
you, like IHOP, arent healping on the fatness on americans.
you have this on your menu....this one ginormo-conglomeration of food contains mashed potatoes, corn, chicken and is covered in gravy and cheese!

it really reminds me of something my dad would serve us at the lakehouse after drinking a case of keystone lights.

"naaaw. come on guys! this is a mans meal!" -herb

...and we'd probably eat it b/c the only option would be hard easter candy from 1991 or frozen cool whip.
sincerely,
dubya

dear IHOP,
you are one of many reasons other people hate americans.
a 24/7 feeding trough for the salivating fatties, itching to get their chubby paws on a stack of syrup drenched pancakes.
recently, youve been advertising for the return of your hit menu item...

the rooty tooty fresh 'n fruity kinda makes me sick just reading the contents:
-Two eggs, any style, crisp hash browns, two strips of bacon, two pork sausage links, two slices of ham and two fruit-topped pancakes.

yeah. bring the whole family! order yourself a cup of coffe, cause by the time you leave youll be diabetic.
the other thing that makes me question your establishment, is the uneasy fact that someone can order a steak or a basket of shimp in the same sitting. somethings not right here.
sincerely,
dubya

dear halloween,

sorry ive been keepin these short, but just wanted to wish everyone a happy halloween.
go out, get dressed, get drunk, and get candy...cause you know when you go to school tomorrow, you can trade with friends.
sincerely,
dubya

dear reba mcentire,
while im on a roll of celebrities lookin like fish, pugs, lemurs, etc.

nuff said.
sincerely,
dubya

dear boohbahs,
what the hell kind of psycho-tropic drug were people on when they created you?
i caught a few minutes of your show on PBS on saturday, watched, & tried to figure out what in gods name i was seeing.
thanks to wikipedia, i learned it was from the people who made teletubbies (go figure).
i also learned this:
"...The Boohbahs are five furry, gumdrop-shaped creatures played by actors in full body costumes. Their thick, shimmery fur sparkles with tiny lights; their Kewpie doll style heads are hairless and feature big eyes with rows of lights for eyebrows. They do not speak, but instead make noises like squeaks, squeals, "poofs", and clicks. The Boohbahs can retract their heads into their furry necks. Each Boohbah is a different color. They are:

* Humbah (Yellow)
* Zumbah (Purple)
* Zing Zing Zingbah (Orange)
* Jumbah (Blue)
* Jingbah (Fuschia)

The Boohbahs can fly; part of their routine is to assemble into a circle, holding hands like skydivers. Each then emits a different musical note as a flash of colored light (matching the Boohbah's color) is sent out from their heads to a central point."
ooooooooooh, ok. its all making sense now. i mean, whats more normal/educational than some furry, penis-headed, squeeking 'zang-zangs' and 'joombahs'? i dunno.

i miss the days of sesame street and mr.rogers.
sincerely,
dubya

dear sandals & socks,
yall combine to make a formittable foot-coverage choice to be reckoned with!
everytime i see someone a middle aged man wearin his socks under some sandals, i laugh. often to his face.
here is the ONLY reason why socks & sandals should be worn together:
-you're jesus christ, and your aunt hazel gave you socks for christmas, and you were going to visit her.
oh. whats that? youre not jesus?? then you have no excuse.
sincerely,
dubya

dear craig ferguson,
you suck.
after an entertaining hour of letterman, i have to flip to conan as fast as possible b/c i cant stand to watch ANY AMOUNT of your show.
you will never ever fill craig kilborns shoes, so howz-a-bout you give up, and let someone else host the late late show....preferably someone without an accent.
sadly, youre show is even worse than last call w/ carson daly. and thats sayin' alot.
although i like carson as a person, hes about as much fun as a sack of bricks.
maybe one day ill sit through your show, craig, buuuuut thatll prob never happen.
sincerely,
dubya

dear jared leto,
you freak me out!
lisa renna may look like a fish, however you look like a lemur...a scared, gay, emo, lemur.

what happened to the good ole days when you just did semi-decent acting?
did my so called life and snatch mean nothing to you???
you just had to throw away years of respect as an actor, squeeze into some size 3 black lady-pants, tie on a scarf and load up on eyeliner?
come back to looking normal. we miss you.
sincerely,
dubya

dear teddy ruxpin,
you were a toy for all ages.
i was always a fan of un-velcro-ing that felt backflap, poppin in a cassette tape and have you do all the hard work. eff this whole reading thing. ill check out the pictures whilst an electronic bear tells me whats goin on.
but even more fun than that, was the fact you could put any tape in his ass, and he'd speak/sing it. nothing brings a smile to an 1988s youngsters face, than the jowles of T.Rux, belting out some of george michaels 'i want your sex.'oh well. at least i learned that animatronic animals know that 'sex is natural, sex is good...not everybody does it, but everybody should!'
sincerely,
dubya

dear jack-in-the-box,
nowadays, i usually hate comercials b/c their either loud, pointless, too fast, or aweful in many other ways.
but your comercials always seem to entertain me.
kudos for your most recent, where the cheerleader was hired in the office to boost moral. i laugh everytime shes dancin infront of the copy machine.
i tried to find it on youtube, but no luck.
everyone just pause your tivos, set your dvrs, and pop in a tape. its worth the watchinz.
however, resume regular tv watching w/out paying attention to comercials before the head-on (apply directly to the forehead) ad comes on...its the worst!


sincerely,
dubya

dear fall '06,
youre the reason i havent written a letter in about 2 weeks, and i hate you right now.
i have no extra time, and NO extra energy.

basically, my schedule keeps me preoccupied and stressed all week, with little reprieve.
whats even worse, im taking a life drawing class (which i love), but ive had my fare share of sketching foo-foo nests, lady businesses, and old man-balls to last me looong enough. also, because i go through about 3 charcoal sticks per session, i come out lookin' like this.
so bare with me.....and countdown the days til christmas break.
sincerely,
dubya

dear kathy lee gifford,
today is probably your least favorite holiday.

hey, somebody's gotta embroider those size 32 sweatpants and matching sweater with the K.L.Gifford insignia. preferably some kids, right?
sincerely,
dubya

dear jennifer lopez,
the MTV video music awards just ended, and looks like you drew inspiration for your outfit from the cancer centers of america fall '06 collection.

very chic.
sincerely,
dubya

dear fergie,
your summer jam, 'london bridge' continues to be a hit amongst the masses, but i gotta do my part and bring ya back down to reality.
first, take a shower. your lookin extra greased up everytime you appear on my TV screen.
next, fix thos eyebrows. the penciled-in tranny look is not cool...esp. since you made the wise choice of piercing a 'brow. i had to do a double take, cause it was halfway up your forehead.
also, i would appreciate if you reunited with Wild Orchid. you seemed to have a lil bit more class in the 90s. post-Kids Inc., and pre-Black Eyed Peas.
sincerely,
dubya

dear nickleback,
come on guys. get your shit together.
youve got a new song out, and i didnt even bother to look up the name b/c THEY ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME!
i dont even want to venture into the painful hour and a half your album must be. 12 songs, all containing the forced, raspy moan of your mule-faced lead singer. dude, youre a one trick pony....no pun intended.
sincerely,
dubya

dear passions,
you have got to be the most rediculous show ever created.
soap operas are pretty worthless to begin with, but you take it to the next level.
ive gotten the privledge of catching bits and pieces of you, and wish i could have those minutes back.
heres where you bewilder me:
first, it seems to me your storylines are just straight up bizarre and unecessary. case and point, pictured above, some kind of tarzan/lost island story? im not thrown off, b/c one of the only consistent things on the show are scenes with random shirtless dudes. i guess the wardrobe ppl know that housewives and post-menapausal ladies loves them some bare-chested latinos.
ok, this is also amazing.
apparently, there is a witch, and her sidekick is a midget. err, i mean 'little person'.
thats somethin id LOVE to see....more-so the hobbit than the lady, but beggers cant be choosers.
and here, we have who i think is a main character of the show. and i cant look at her too long without going into a trance. upon my first look, i made the connection. she is definitly of pug descendance.
if anyone knows anything about this circus act of a show, fill me in.
sincerely,
dubya

dear lisa renna,
i dont know where to start with you.
i guess ill go with the most obvious issue. THOSE LIPS!
what the hell are you thinking with those colegen-filled, flesh flaps?
i can tell ya one thing, the huge lip look barely passes as 'hot' on angelina jolie, so you get nowhere near being able to pull it off.
i guess they may come in handy when tryin to get some pretty prestigeous jobs like co-host of soaptalk and dancer on dancing with the unknowns stars.
come winter, stock up on the chapstick, cause god knows youll fly through a few tubes.
sincerely,
dubya

dear diesel trucks,
anyone who drives you is an inconsiderate bastard. you are the loudest, biggest, most unnecessary vehicle ever created.
ok, ill let it slide, if youre hauling some heavy-duty cargo, like, ohhhh i dunno....a space shuttle. but, for the rest of you city-suburb dwellers, GET RID! news flash gas-guzzler, your penis is no bigger in your wranglers, and by no means does it qualify you as a 'cowboy'.
i can say all this, b/c i got MR. Neighbor McDrives-a-douche-mobile, who cranks up his engine at 6:30 am.
thanks for the wake-up jackhammerin', but id like to sleep.
sincerely,
dubya

dear reebok shoes,
people need to realize something, and not purchase your style from the years 1976 to 1991. when i see someone in you, i automatically think they have some sort of learning disability. a fashion disability, at least.

the worst part is, 9 times out of 10, its a grown man wearing you. and he thinks hes a cool cat, trekkin' around in his 'boks, but the truth is, people only talk to him because they think hes lost, or gotten seperated from his less-retarded family members.
put the shoes back in the british-flag-covered box, pick up a soduku, and welcome yourself to the latter end of the 20th century.
sincerely,
dubya

dear girls on bikes,
here are some words of wisdom, "if youre gonna ride a bicycle, make sure your ass isnt hangin out."

this is for your good, and the good of all people who get a shot of your under-garments. we dont need to see your sweaty, leotard-covered rump.
its a matter of being a classy lady. and trust me, if youre peddlin' your spunky ass down the street and construction workers are givin you some extra attention, its because your draaws iz hangin out.
sincerely,
dubya

ps- as shown in the picture above, i beg you not to wear your rodeo outfit as well.

dear thomas jefferson,
you may be the 3rd president, but youre the best one in my book.
why? because apparently you spent 1/3 of your annual presidential funds on wine...way to go!
back when normal people made approx $1 dollar a day, you made upwards of $24,000 a year. and used your ties to the french to get your libations cheap and by the ish-load.
not only did you have literally thousands of bottles of wine, you made a secret pulley system that lifted the bottles from your cellar, up to the living room through the side of the chimney....INGENIOUS!
even in your daily drunken haze, you multitasked--running a country, entertaining foreigners, AND impregnating slaves. quite the juggling act ya got there, tommy.
sincerely,
dubya

ps--you gave me a new slogan to go by, "If a man dies before drinking all his wine, he died too early."- T.JEFF

dear hulk hogan & family,
you four are the epitome of white trash.
this photo proves your sense of normal is skewed.
first off, how much peroxide does the fam go through in a week?
the chemical smell must overwhelm the house. and that explains the lack of brain cells in the gene pool.

next, terry hogan. or 'hulk' as you like to be called. youre like 76. time to put away the doo-rag and sunglasses, and pick up a sense of dignity.
your wife looks like a total street walker/porn star/prostitute, and you let her go out of the house?!?
also, brooke and whatever the sons name is....brooke is comin up fast to steal the title of most whore-ish hogan. and the other kid is lookin like a total tool. is that an adidas suit?
wow. good style call.

so, hogan family, do us all a favor and join the osbournes in d-list family reality history.
sincerely,
dubya

dear Mirko Filipovic,
you are one tough, croatian son-of-a-bitch. i dont know much about you, or the amount of ass you kick, but it seems pretty high.
you fight in PRIDE, some sort of ultimate fighting/karate association. and it appears that you dont kid around.
id never heard of you, but i saw some videos recently and was a little impressed and ALOT scared.

after some research this is what i learned about you:
1.)your entrance song is 'the wild boys' by duran duran.
thats just plain awesome.


2.)anyone you fight is kinda screwed.


3.)youre known for your high kick, that knocks people out in one swift blow.


4.)however, im more scared of this--


these facts are enough for any man to pee his pants in un-adulterated fear.
sincerely,
dubya

dear adidas,
yall should stick to making shoes and sportswear. you made a mistake getting into the soap and bodywash industry. leave the cleansing to irish spring, softsoap, dove, etc.
i say this in regards to your active bodywash. its a rather peculiar smell. it took me awhile, and then it hit me. youre basically bottled up hamster smell.

if i wanted to come out of the shower, smelling like spunny, (my childhood hamster), id go roll around in some cedar chips. im not trying to attract any guinea pigs or other household rodents, so please take this off the market.
sincerely,
dubya

dear campus ladies,
you two really crack me up. your show comes on oh! on sunday nights (yes. oh! the channel for women....ill admit i watch it. and lifetime...but thats beside the point).
anyways, yall went back to college at the ripe ole age of like 45, and get into some hilarious shenanigans. not only are barri and joan two sass-tacular women, such guest stars as fred willard, mya rudolph, and paul reubens show up.
here, yall discuss how lesbians can improvise with everyday objects:


~~click here~~ to watch some webisodes.
keep em comin, ladies.
sincerely,
dubya

dear q-tips,
you are the best thing ever invented.
a stick with cotton ends?!? who'da thunk such a little tool could bring me so much pleasure.
its purely orgasmic when i use you after a shower. my eyes roll back, my toes curl, and i sometimes light up a cigarette afterwards.
although i love you, and youve been with me for 22 years, i recently saw something called murine ear drops. this product looks like a faithfull q-tippers dream. supposedly, you put drops in your ear, and wait a few minutes, then stick a bulb-like contraption in there.
looks a little intense, but hey, cant be any worse than when i get in there with the tip-of-tha-Q, and go far enough to grab brain matter.
sincerely,
dubya

dear incoming freshman,
all 12,000+ of you piss me off.
so, because im feeling a public service is in order, ill help you out on not sucking...before its too late.
GUYS:
-no more sleevless tshirts. you dont look tough, you look like a douche.
-get a haircut. the emo/skater/beatles look is gonna get you nowhere quick.
-yes, napolean dynamite was a good movie. dont quote it. you're lame.
-i dont want to hear how 'badass' your prom beach house was. it was probably just as cool when every other high school for the past 12 years went.
-its called an inside voice. use it.
-whilst buying books, dont say things like, "ahh, man. AP caclulus was pretty easy. im not too worried about these." news flash johnny mcmiddle-of-nowhere, youre in college now, not only will your professor not care if you pass, he'll most likely assign you enough online HW that youll be knocked down a few 'cool pegs' when hitting up the embarrassment known as 'jester tutorials.'

LADIES:
-there is no need to get so excited when greeting your girlfriends. unless she is on fire, dont yell and hug like you're trying to put out flames.
-you all have motorola razrs....that doesnt mean you need to have them out at every moment possible.
-put some clothes on. its summer, not spring break: MTV beach house.
-take the name tag off when youre not in an 'orientation group'. i dont care what your name/major/hometown is. and as much as your RA pretends to care, he doesnt either. he wants to get free room & board, and sleep with you. thats it.
-dont hold hands with your boyfriend. hes gonna cheat on you in the next 3 months.

hope this helps.
sincerely,
dubya

dear old men running,
the sight of you, in your nylon daisy duke jogging shorts, is repulsive.
you decide to go running at precisely 11 am, everyday, and get that silver chest hair a-glistenin'.
as you pass by, in your little huddle of oldness, the stentch of sunblock and cialis is over whelming.
and guess what....youre not impressing anyone that your limbs still work at age 94. go home, turn on wheel of fortune, and complain about the kids and their rock n roll music.
leave the outdoor, shirtless activity to the strapping, verile, college men and women.
sincerely,
dubya

dear kelis,
since its saturday, and people are gonna go out tonight, i thought i would show them the hot new dance, thats sweepin' the clubs.
i was watching 106 & park yesterday on BET, and your video 'bossy' is finally climbing the charts. its getting the recognition it deserves.
people need to marvel in the sight that is kelis:

now i hope yall took notes, because 106 filled me in, the dance you do is called tha boss.
STEP 1. shoulders shrugged.
STEP 2. elbows bent.
STEP 3. wrists in.
STEP 4. wrists out.
STEP 5. repeat steps 3 & 4.
YOUZE A BOSS!

thanks kelis....and everyone else, yall better start practicing RIGHT NOW!
sincerely,
dubya

dear so you think you can dance?,
i sadly admit that i watch you.
but i have some criticism that you should take into consideration.
first, the host and some judges:

cat deeley, you suprisingly dont annoy me. with that accent i feel like im watching bridget jones' diary, but hey at least you dont say, "we'll find out....AFTER (heavy on annunciation)...the (quiet)....BREAK (quick/loud)" like that dreadful ryan seacrest.

brian, simmer down on the tanning bed and soul-glo. i feel like if you shook that jew-fro around, youd soak the other judges with shiney, wet, hair product.

dan, while im on the subject of hair product...whats with you? little dudes with thinning hair should not try to put some palmade up in there and expect to look remotely normal....game over. try again.

mia, havent seen you much since auditions. probably because the few times you got out from behind the judges table, we were shocked to see your GINORMOUS ass! how does a dancer/choreographer get such a large badunk??
also, i think they took you off because you exude 'weird dyke' vibes....and thats just the worst.

shane, youre automatically cooler than anyone else. because youre black.

mary. i saved you for last of the judges because you are the epitome of everything annoying. you squeel and yell, "woooooooo!" with all 12 hundred teeth showing. you are much, much more painful than paula abdul. and that says alot.

now a few dancers:
jaymz. sooo glad youre gone! you made me uneasy for some reason. couldve been to editorial cartoon face, with beady eyes, large nose and pervy smile, or it couldve been the gayest outfits EVER. but it was probably both.
plus, who spells 'james' like that?!? good riddance, unicorn face.

heidi, you are almost equally as strange looking. your head is obviously a cube.

benji....oh, benj. i want to kick your ass. like, bad. im hesitant putting your picture up just for the fact you make me want to throw up in my mouth a little. go back to obscurity, and try to convince people youre likeable....youll die trying.

ashlee, whats up with the hat? blossom showed us that in 1992, and it was equally as uncool then.

martha, gurrrl. youze got gums fo' days! no more smiling, or else when you get kicked off, theyll turn you into glue.

and last...
travis. you know youre gonna win right? so stop acting so damned shocked when your 'safe'.

i should get on this program and show my sweet moves.
sincerely,
dubya