dear apple laptops,
in this day and age, it seems like 1 out of 4 college students owns you. technology in the classroom is extremly helpful, however, if i have to sit next to a powerbook user again, i will scream. bill gates was an ass when he decided to make a laptop with the worlds loudest buttons. when people are typing notes, it sounds like a chicken pecking at plastic bubble wrap. whats even worse, is the fact that it bothers you even more once you notice it. gone are the days when the only annoying sound was mr.mouth breather next to you. now we have sally mctypes-alot over here. these people should be punished to the highest extent.
sincerely,
dubya

dear rihanna,
i like your new song SOS, and i can already tell it will get really played out very very soon. but one thing bothered me as i watched the music video. i couldnt pin point it, until all of a sudden it dawned on me---it looks like a mash up of just about every beyonce video. i dont think this was on purpose, but hey, thats what happens when jay-z "discovers" you. i did a little slipt screen action, and it was proven. you on the left, beyonce on the right.
<---(click the picture to see for yourself.)
sincerely,
dubya




if you feel like watching it. here:

dear dr. red duke,
during my awesome spring break, i saw you by the elevators at herman hospital. i was blinded by your majestic mustach, and country swagger. i assume you still go into patients rooms and say stuff like, "ah, kitten whiskers! rub some of that-there vazzaleen on it, and getchuur britches back on tha range!" youre like the dr.quinn medicine woman of the 21st century, except youre not dating a white guy that was raised by native americans....or are you?
sincerely,
dubya

dear sam donaldson,
after some investigating, i found your long lost brother.
you guys thought you were pretty sneaky, livin in different universes and all. but i found you out. theres no mistaking those distinguished, semi-creepy, donaldson brows.
sincerely,
dubya

dear denim shirts,
you are the only thing less cool than 'jorts'. i really want to know the first person to say, "ya know, i love my blue jeans, but if only i could wear them ALL OVER!"
you arent light wieght. you arent soft. you arent anything but a big blue layer of non-sexy. you and your friend, overalls, need to stay in the early 90's and never ever ever return.
sincerely,
dubya

dear hilary duff,
i heard you have the record for 'most tickets sold' in houston livestock show & rodeo. thats cool and all, but it still doesnt explain the huge teeth you have now. such a drastic change from normal sized teeth, to blindingly white, mega dentures. simmer down with the veneers.
sincerely,
dubya

dear saint patrick,
year after year, you bring a holiday for us irish folk to just go all out. ive decided you are the patron saint of everything good. for example, green beer, green hats, green shots, and did i mention green beer? all these things make you my favorite saint. you just surpassed saint nick and christmas! on the downside, i kinda think youre the patron saint of hangovers and regretful photos, too.
sincerely,
dubya

dear stephen cojocaro,
or 'cojo' as you have had people call you. while im on the subject of hideous entertainment corresponants, i had to bring you up. god, you are not appealing to any sense. when i would see you on the today show, i couldnt get past the fact that katie curic hadnt thrown up on you. youre like a ape-woman-manatee-person. and youre always on tv for someone else giving you an organ. you say something like "my best friend is an angel. she gave me an organ, therefore giving me life. what an angel"....hey, ms.vanity, get over it and get in the real world. i could do your job, shoot, aaaanyone could do your job. ugh, just looking at that picture makes me so queezy.
sincerely, dubya

dear mail order wife,
i saw you the other day, and have been talking about you ever since. i suggest this movie to everyone....however, i tuned in about 3 minutes in, and knew nothing about the film. so, to let everyone know, its a fake documentary about a mail order bride from asia. here i am, feeling aweful for this poor asian woman. i realized later that it was fake, and actually funny. the actors were just that good, i guess.
heres the weird part. after i watch it, i flip to sex in the city, and woah, one of the actors was a pizza delivery guy. i love when stuff like that happens. theeeen, on conan obrian last night, the same guy is in one of the short sketches!!! this naturally led to an imdb search.
sincerely,
dubya

dear giuliana depandi,
your head is a freakin' monstrosity! how do you carry that thing around?!? i wouldnt mind watching E! news live, but the sight of your face/head combination is painful. im not sure why E! keeps you around. its not even like your look is "unique-hot", its more like "unique-circus". somehow, you managed to cram in way too many teeth in a tiny jaw, on your upside down teardrop head. im anticipating your true hollywood story, entitled: giuliana depandi, the alien faced news anchor.
sincerely,
dubya

dear Matthew McConaughey,
i used to be a fan of yours. i thought you were this down to earth, chill, laid back guy from texas. but barbera walters informed the american viewers of one issue. you havent worn deoderant in 20 years! ummm, sick.
i can only imagine the b.o. you exuded on the set of sahera...then again, i guess thats what penelope cruz likes about you. it probably remindes her of being back in whatever latin american country shes from.
maybe stetson was trying to send you a hint when they hired you as their spokesperson. grown-man-sweat-stench can not be solved by mearly splashing on some stetson. take a shower. use some scented soap. put on some speed stick. and go about your day. would it be that hard? it would make all the people within a 5 feet radius much happier.
sincerely,
dubya