dear jennifer lopez,
the MTV video music awards just ended, and looks like you drew inspiration for your outfit from the cancer centers of america fall '06 collection.

very chic.
sincerely,
dubya

dear fergie,
your summer jam, 'london bridge' continues to be a hit amongst the masses, but i gotta do my part and bring ya back down to reality.
first, take a shower. your lookin extra greased up everytime you appear on my TV screen.
next, fix thos eyebrows. the penciled-in tranny look is not cool...esp. since you made the wise choice of piercing a 'brow. i had to do a double take, cause it was halfway up your forehead.
also, i would appreciate if you reunited with Wild Orchid. you seemed to have a lil bit more class in the 90s. post-Kids Inc., and pre-Black Eyed Peas.
sincerely,
dubya

dear nickleback,
come on guys. get your shit together.
youve got a new song out, and i didnt even bother to look up the name b/c THEY ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME!
i dont even want to venture into the painful hour and a half your album must be. 12 songs, all containing the forced, raspy moan of your mule-faced lead singer. dude, youre a one trick pony....no pun intended.
sincerely,
dubya

dear passions,
you have got to be the most rediculous show ever created.
soap operas are pretty worthless to begin with, but you take it to the next level.
ive gotten the privledge of catching bits and pieces of you, and wish i could have those minutes back.
heres where you bewilder me:
first, it seems to me your storylines are just straight up bizarre and unecessary. case and point, pictured above, some kind of tarzan/lost island story? im not thrown off, b/c one of the only consistent things on the show are scenes with random shirtless dudes. i guess the wardrobe ppl know that housewives and post-menapausal ladies loves them some bare-chested latinos.
ok, this is also amazing.
apparently, there is a witch, and her sidekick is a midget. err, i mean 'little person'.
thats somethin id LOVE to see....more-so the hobbit than the lady, but beggers cant be choosers.
and here, we have who i think is a main character of the show. and i cant look at her too long without going into a trance. upon my first look, i made the connection. she is definitly of pug descendance.
if anyone knows anything about this circus act of a show, fill me in.
sincerely,
dubya

dear lisa renna,
i dont know where to start with you.
i guess ill go with the most obvious issue. THOSE LIPS!
what the hell are you thinking with those colegen-filled, flesh flaps?
i can tell ya one thing, the huge lip look barely passes as 'hot' on angelina jolie, so you get nowhere near being able to pull it off.
i guess they may come in handy when tryin to get some pretty prestigeous jobs like co-host of soaptalk and dancer on dancing with the unknowns stars.
come winter, stock up on the chapstick, cause god knows youll fly through a few tubes.
sincerely,
dubya

dear diesel trucks,
anyone who drives you is an inconsiderate bastard. you are the loudest, biggest, most unnecessary vehicle ever created.
ok, ill let it slide, if youre hauling some heavy-duty cargo, like, ohhhh i dunno....a space shuttle. but, for the rest of you city-suburb dwellers, GET RID! news flash gas-guzzler, your penis is no bigger in your wranglers, and by no means does it qualify you as a 'cowboy'.
i can say all this, b/c i got MR. Neighbor McDrives-a-douche-mobile, who cranks up his engine at 6:30 am.
thanks for the wake-up jackhammerin', but id like to sleep.
sincerely,
dubya

dear reebok shoes,
people need to realize something, and not purchase your style from the years 1976 to 1991. when i see someone in you, i automatically think they have some sort of learning disability. a fashion disability, at least.

the worst part is, 9 times out of 10, its a grown man wearing you. and he thinks hes a cool cat, trekkin' around in his 'boks, but the truth is, people only talk to him because they think hes lost, or gotten seperated from his less-retarded family members.
put the shoes back in the british-flag-covered box, pick up a soduku, and welcome yourself to the latter end of the 20th century.
sincerely,
dubya

dear girls on bikes,
here are some words of wisdom, "if youre gonna ride a bicycle, make sure your ass isnt hangin out."

this is for your good, and the good of all people who get a shot of your under-garments. we dont need to see your sweaty, leotard-covered rump.
its a matter of being a classy lady. and trust me, if youre peddlin' your spunky ass down the street and construction workers are givin you some extra attention, its because your draaws iz hangin out.
sincerely,
dubya

ps- as shown in the picture above, i beg you not to wear your rodeo outfit as well.

dear thomas jefferson,
you may be the 3rd president, but youre the best one in my book.
why? because apparently you spent 1/3 of your annual presidential funds on wine...way to go!
back when normal people made approx $1 dollar a day, you made upwards of $24,000 a year. and used your ties to the french to get your libations cheap and by the ish-load.
not only did you have literally thousands of bottles of wine, you made a secret pulley system that lifted the bottles from your cellar, up to the living room through the side of the chimney....INGENIOUS!
even in your daily drunken haze, you multitasked--running a country, entertaining foreigners, AND impregnating slaves. quite the juggling act ya got there, tommy.
sincerely,
dubya

ps--you gave me a new slogan to go by, "If a man dies before drinking all his wine, he died too early."- T.JEFF