dear jennifer lopez,
the MTV video music awards just ended, and looks like you drew inspiration for your outfit from the cancer centers of america fall '06 collection.

very chic.
sincerely,
dubya

dear fergie,
your summer jam, 'london bridge' continues to be a hit amongst the masses, but i gotta do my part and bring ya back down to reality.
first, take a shower. your lookin extra greased up everytime you appear on my TV screen.
next, fix thos eyebrows. the penciled-in tranny look is not cool...esp. since you made the wise choice of piercing a 'brow. i had to do a double take, cause it was halfway up your forehead.
also, i would appreciate if you reunited with Wild Orchid. you seemed to have a lil bit more class in the 90s. post-Kids Inc., and pre-Black Eyed Peas.
sincerely,
dubya

dear nickleback,
come on guys. get your shit together.
youve got a new song out, and i didnt even bother to look up the name b/c THEY ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME!
i dont even want to venture into the painful hour and a half your album must be. 12 songs, all containing the forced, raspy moan of your mule-faced lead singer. dude, youre a one trick pony....no pun intended.
sincerely,
dubya

dear passions,
you have got to be the most rediculous show ever created.
soap operas are pretty worthless to begin with, but you take it to the next level.
ive gotten the privledge of catching bits and pieces of you, and wish i could have those minutes back.
heres where you bewilder me:
first, it seems to me your storylines are just straight up bizarre and unecessary. case and point, pictured above, some kind of tarzan/lost island story? im not thrown off, b/c one of the only consistent things on the show are scenes with random shirtless dudes. i guess the wardrobe ppl know that housewives and post-menapausal ladies loves them some bare-chested latinos.
ok, this is also amazing.
apparently, there is a witch, and her sidekick is a midget. err, i mean 'little person'.
thats somethin id LOVE to see....more-so the hobbit than the lady, but beggers cant be choosers.
and here, we have who i think is a main character of the show. and i cant look at her too long without going into a trance. upon my first look, i made the connection. she is definitly of pug descendance.
if anyone knows anything about this circus act of a show, fill me in.
sincerely,
dubya

dear lisa renna,
i dont know where to start with you.
i guess ill go with the most obvious issue. THOSE LIPS!
what the hell are you thinking with those colegen-filled, flesh flaps?
i can tell ya one thing, the huge lip look barely passes as 'hot' on angelina jolie, so you get nowhere near being able to pull it off.
i guess they may come in handy when tryin to get some pretty prestigeous jobs like co-host of soaptalk and dancer on dancing with the unknowns stars.
come winter, stock up on the chapstick, cause god knows youll fly through a few tubes.
sincerely,
dubya

dear diesel trucks,
anyone who drives you is an inconsiderate bastard. you are the loudest, biggest, most unnecessary vehicle ever created.
ok, ill let it slide, if youre hauling some heavy-duty cargo, like, ohhhh i dunno....a space shuttle. but, for the rest of you city-suburb dwellers, GET RID! news flash gas-guzzler, your penis is no bigger in your wranglers, and by no means does it qualify you as a 'cowboy'.
i can say all this, b/c i got MR. Neighbor McDrives-a-douche-mobile, who cranks up his engine at 6:30 am.
thanks for the wake-up jackhammerin', but id like to sleep.
sincerely,
dubya

dear reebok shoes,
people need to realize something, and not purchase your style from the years 1976 to 1991. when i see someone in you, i automatically think they have some sort of learning disability. a fashion disability, at least.

the worst part is, 9 times out of 10, its a grown man wearing you. and he thinks hes a cool cat, trekkin' around in his 'boks, but the truth is, people only talk to him because they think hes lost, or gotten seperated from his less-retarded family members.
put the shoes back in the british-flag-covered box, pick up a soduku, and welcome yourself to the latter end of the 20th century.
sincerely,
dubya

dear girls on bikes,
here are some words of wisdom, "if youre gonna ride a bicycle, make sure your ass isnt hangin out."

this is for your good, and the good of all people who get a shot of your under-garments. we dont need to see your sweaty, leotard-covered rump.
its a matter of being a classy lady. and trust me, if youre peddlin' your spunky ass down the street and construction workers are givin you some extra attention, its because your draaws iz hangin out.
sincerely,
dubya

ps- as shown in the picture above, i beg you not to wear your rodeo outfit as well.

dear thomas jefferson,
you may be the 3rd president, but youre the best one in my book.
why? because apparently you spent 1/3 of your annual presidential funds on wine...way to go!
back when normal people made approx $1 dollar a day, you made upwards of $24,000 a year. and used your ties to the french to get your libations cheap and by the ish-load.
not only did you have literally thousands of bottles of wine, you made a secret pulley system that lifted the bottles from your cellar, up to the living room through the side of the chimney....INGENIOUS!
even in your daily drunken haze, you multitasked--running a country, entertaining foreigners, AND impregnating slaves. quite the juggling act ya got there, tommy.
sincerely,
dubya

ps--you gave me a new slogan to go by, "If a man dies before drinking all his wine, he died too early."- T.JEFF

dear hulk hogan & family,
you four are the epitome of white trash.
this photo proves your sense of normal is skewed.
first off, how much peroxide does the fam go through in a week?
the chemical smell must overwhelm the house. and that explains the lack of brain cells in the gene pool.

next, terry hogan. or 'hulk' as you like to be called. youre like 76. time to put away the doo-rag and sunglasses, and pick up a sense of dignity.
your wife looks like a total street walker/porn star/prostitute, and you let her go out of the house?!?
also, brooke and whatever the sons name is....brooke is comin up fast to steal the title of most whore-ish hogan. and the other kid is lookin like a total tool. is that an adidas suit?
wow. good style call.

so, hogan family, do us all a favor and join the osbournes in d-list family reality history.
sincerely,
dubya

dear Mirko Filipovic,
you are one tough, croatian son-of-a-bitch. i dont know much about you, or the amount of ass you kick, but it seems pretty high.
you fight in PRIDE, some sort of ultimate fighting/karate association. and it appears that you dont kid around.
id never heard of you, but i saw some videos recently and was a little impressed and ALOT scared.

after some research this is what i learned about you:
1.)your entrance song is 'the wild boys' by duran duran.
thats just plain awesome.


2.)anyone you fight is kinda screwed.


3.)youre known for your high kick, that knocks people out in one swift blow.


4.)however, im more scared of this--


these facts are enough for any man to pee his pants in un-adulterated fear.
sincerely,
dubya

dear adidas,
yall should stick to making shoes and sportswear. you made a mistake getting into the soap and bodywash industry. leave the cleansing to irish spring, softsoap, dove, etc.
i say this in regards to your active bodywash. its a rather peculiar smell. it took me awhile, and then it hit me. youre basically bottled up hamster smell.

if i wanted to come out of the shower, smelling like spunny, (my childhood hamster), id go roll around in some cedar chips. im not trying to attract any guinea pigs or other household rodents, so please take this off the market.
sincerely,
dubya

dear campus ladies,
you two really crack me up. your show comes on oh! on sunday nights (yes. oh! the channel for women....ill admit i watch it. and lifetime...but thats beside the point).
anyways, yall went back to college at the ripe ole age of like 45, and get into some hilarious shenanigans. not only are barri and joan two sass-tacular women, such guest stars as fred willard, mya rudolph, and paul reubens show up.
here, yall discuss how lesbians can improvise with everyday objects:


~~click here~~ to watch some webisodes.
keep em comin, ladies.
sincerely,
dubya

dear q-tips,
you are the best thing ever invented.
a stick with cotton ends?!? who'da thunk such a little tool could bring me so much pleasure.
its purely orgasmic when i use you after a shower. my eyes roll back, my toes curl, and i sometimes light up a cigarette afterwards.
although i love you, and youve been with me for 22 years, i recently saw something called murine ear drops. this product looks like a faithfull q-tippers dream. supposedly, you put drops in your ear, and wait a few minutes, then stick a bulb-like contraption in there.
looks a little intense, but hey, cant be any worse than when i get in there with the tip-of-tha-Q, and go far enough to grab brain matter.
sincerely,
dubya

dear incoming freshman,
all 12,000+ of you piss me off.
so, because im feeling a public service is in order, ill help you out on not sucking...before its too late.
GUYS:
-no more sleevless tshirts. you dont look tough, you look like a douche.
-get a haircut. the emo/skater/beatles look is gonna get you nowhere quick.
-yes, napolean dynamite was a good movie. dont quote it. you're lame.
-i dont want to hear how 'badass' your prom beach house was. it was probably just as cool when every other high school for the past 12 years went.
-its called an inside voice. use it.
-whilst buying books, dont say things like, "ahh, man. AP caclulus was pretty easy. im not too worried about these." news flash johnny mcmiddle-of-nowhere, youre in college now, not only will your professor not care if you pass, he'll most likely assign you enough online HW that youll be knocked down a few 'cool pegs' when hitting up the embarrassment known as 'jester tutorials.'

LADIES:
-there is no need to get so excited when greeting your girlfriends. unless she is on fire, dont yell and hug like you're trying to put out flames.
-you all have motorola razrs....that doesnt mean you need to have them out at every moment possible.
-put some clothes on. its summer, not spring break: MTV beach house.
-take the name tag off when youre not in an 'orientation group'. i dont care what your name/major/hometown is. and as much as your RA pretends to care, he doesnt either. he wants to get free room & board, and sleep with you. thats it.
-dont hold hands with your boyfriend. hes gonna cheat on you in the next 3 months.

hope this helps.
sincerely,
dubya

dear old men running,
the sight of you, in your nylon daisy duke jogging shorts, is repulsive.
you decide to go running at precisely 11 am, everyday, and get that silver chest hair a-glistenin'.
as you pass by, in your little huddle of oldness, the stentch of sunblock and cialis is over whelming.
and guess what....youre not impressing anyone that your limbs still work at age 94. go home, turn on wheel of fortune, and complain about the kids and their rock n roll music.
leave the outdoor, shirtless activity to the strapping, verile, college men and women.
sincerely,
dubya

dear kelis,
since its saturday, and people are gonna go out tonight, i thought i would show them the hot new dance, thats sweepin' the clubs.
i was watching 106 & park yesterday on BET, and your video 'bossy' is finally climbing the charts. its getting the recognition it deserves.
people need to marvel in the sight that is kelis:

now i hope yall took notes, because 106 filled me in, the dance you do is called tha boss.
STEP 1. shoulders shrugged.
STEP 2. elbows bent.
STEP 3. wrists in.
STEP 4. wrists out.
STEP 5. repeat steps 3 & 4.
YOUZE A BOSS!

thanks kelis....and everyone else, yall better start practicing RIGHT NOW!
sincerely,
dubya

dear so you think you can dance?,
i sadly admit that i watch you.
but i have some criticism that you should take into consideration.
first, the host and some judges:

cat deeley, you suprisingly dont annoy me. with that accent i feel like im watching bridget jones' diary, but hey at least you dont say, "we'll find out....AFTER (heavy on annunciation)...the (quiet)....BREAK (quick/loud)" like that dreadful ryan seacrest.

brian, simmer down on the tanning bed and soul-glo. i feel like if you shook that jew-fro around, youd soak the other judges with shiney, wet, hair product.

dan, while im on the subject of hair product...whats with you? little dudes with thinning hair should not try to put some palmade up in there and expect to look remotely normal....game over. try again.

mia, havent seen you much since auditions. probably because the few times you got out from behind the judges table, we were shocked to see your GINORMOUS ass! how does a dancer/choreographer get such a large badunk??
also, i think they took you off because you exude 'weird dyke' vibes....and thats just the worst.

shane, youre automatically cooler than anyone else. because youre black.

mary. i saved you for last of the judges because you are the epitome of everything annoying. you squeel and yell, "woooooooo!" with all 12 hundred teeth showing. you are much, much more painful than paula abdul. and that says alot.

now a few dancers:
jaymz. sooo glad youre gone! you made me uneasy for some reason. couldve been to editorial cartoon face, with beady eyes, large nose and pervy smile, or it couldve been the gayest outfits EVER. but it was probably both.
plus, who spells 'james' like that?!? good riddance, unicorn face.

heidi, you are almost equally as strange looking. your head is obviously a cube.

benji....oh, benj. i want to kick your ass. like, bad. im hesitant putting your picture up just for the fact you make me want to throw up in my mouth a little. go back to obscurity, and try to convince people youre likeable....youll die trying.

ashlee, whats up with the hat? blossom showed us that in 1992, and it was equally as uncool then.

martha, gurrrl. youze got gums fo' days! no more smiling, or else when you get kicked off, theyll turn you into glue.

and last...
travis. you know youre gonna win right? so stop acting so damned shocked when your 'safe'.

i should get on this program and show my sweet moves.
sincerely,
dubya

dear honey mustard,
ive replaced all other condiments with you.
ketchup?....nope.
ranch?.....nuh-uh.
regular mustard?....ah, HELLZ NO!
H.M., youre the perfect combo of sweet, tangy, and heaven. and im pretty sure TGIFridays and Chilis put a dash of crack cocaine in you.
nothin says 'happy fatty', like a large waffle fry dipped in honey mustard.
sincerely,
dubya

dear celebrities with alter-egos,
i dont get it. why do yall feel the need to be 2 people? do you expect people to take this seriously?
because of this fact, im going to this individually.
first:


clark kent vs. superman
this is the ONLY acceptable reason to have an alter ego.
with the release of superman returns, alter egos have moved into the spotlight. now, i dont see any other celeb fighting crime or hiding a love affair with a lois lane type, so lets move on to the rediculousness.


beyonce vs. sasha
so, beyonce says she uses her alter ego 'sasha' on stage, because off stage shes not as sexual and much more shy. ok beyonce, i understand that, but you dont need a new name for that. i think jay-z/sean carter has rubbed off on you way too much.


mary j. blige vs. brook
mjb's new song enough cryin' debuts her alter ego 'brook'. mary j sings while brook raps.....this is too much.
she was on saturday night live, singing this song, and goes, "in a minute, im gonna bring out my girl brook."...i sat there awaiting the entrance of another performer. alas, it was only mary j's black ass onstage throught the entire 3.27 minutes.


christina aguilera vs. baby jane
xtina went from pop princess, to whore-bucket, to flapper-inspired 'baby jane' in the past 7 or 8 years.
personally, i prefer the slutty one, but thats individual taste.
a word of advice christina, when your naming your alter ego, dont name it after a 1962 bette davis film about a burnt out child star. its creepy and sad.


garth brooks vs. chris gaines
this is by far the most re-dunkulous one. country singer gone gay/dark/rocker?
i find it funny that garth brooks thought this would be a good career choice. while all the previously mentioned people never released an album under their egos name, he however thought it would make perfect sense. this was the beginning of the end of my respect for garth.

so, to all up and coming artists. take a hint from these people. unless your a comic hero, its unacceptable to try and pass off an alter ego.
you just look crazy.
sincerely,
dubya