dear TJ espinoza,
how excited are you about britney spears divorce from KFed, and her plan for a comeback?!?
you were in pretty much every britney performance, apperance, video, etc.
i bet you pee'd your dance pants, because youve been out of work since like 1997.

you guys were BFF, then she got all sexy & dropped your ass.
you probably thought you had the last laugh, when she got knocked up twice by a loser back up dancer (err, no offense).
welp, you were sadly mistaken.
sincerely,
dubya

ps-maybe you could take anonymous' advice and earn some money via the internet. lord knows if youre gonna get your j-o-b back w/ b.spears, you gotta be in tip top shape. as seen here:

Britney Spears - SNL Dance Auditions
Uploaded by nono_the_bean

dear anonymous,
stop posting comments on my page, trying to get me to "earn cash fast."
i get all excited that people are responding to some bad ass blogging, and instead its your mysterious ass givin' me financial advice.
im not cool with this. if i wanted to earn some money quick on the internet, i'd sell some crap on Ebay.
leeve-mee-'lone!
sincerely,
dubya

dear KFC,
you, like IHOP, arent healping on the fatness on americans.
you have this on your menu....this one ginormo-conglomeration of food contains mashed potatoes, corn, chicken and is covered in gravy and cheese!

it really reminds me of something my dad would serve us at the lakehouse after drinking a case of keystone lights.

"naaaw. come on guys! this is a mans meal!" -herb

...and we'd probably eat it b/c the only option would be hard easter candy from 1991 or frozen cool whip.
sincerely,
dubya

dear IHOP,
you are one of many reasons other people hate americans.
a 24/7 feeding trough for the salivating fatties, itching to get their chubby paws on a stack of syrup drenched pancakes.
recently, youve been advertising for the return of your hit menu item...

the rooty tooty fresh 'n fruity kinda makes me sick just reading the contents:
-Two eggs, any style, crisp hash browns, two strips of bacon, two pork sausage links, two slices of ham and two fruit-topped pancakes.

yeah. bring the whole family! order yourself a cup of coffe, cause by the time you leave youll be diabetic.
the other thing that makes me question your establishment, is the uneasy fact that someone can order a steak or a basket of shimp in the same sitting. somethings not right here.
sincerely,
dubya

dear halloween,

sorry ive been keepin these short, but just wanted to wish everyone a happy halloween.
go out, get dressed, get drunk, and get candy...cause you know when you go to school tomorrow, you can trade with friends.
sincerely,
dubya

dear reba mcentire,
while im on a roll of celebrities lookin like fish, pugs, lemurs, etc.

nuff said.
sincerely,
dubya

dear boohbahs,
what the hell kind of psycho-tropic drug were people on when they created you?
i caught a few minutes of your show on PBS on saturday, watched, & tried to figure out what in gods name i was seeing.
thanks to wikipedia, i learned it was from the people who made teletubbies (go figure).
i also learned this:
"...The Boohbahs are five furry, gumdrop-shaped creatures played by actors in full body costumes. Their thick, shimmery fur sparkles with tiny lights; their Kewpie doll style heads are hairless and feature big eyes with rows of lights for eyebrows. They do not speak, but instead make noises like squeaks, squeals, "poofs", and clicks. The Boohbahs can retract their heads into their furry necks. Each Boohbah is a different color. They are:

* Humbah (Yellow)
* Zumbah (Purple)
* Zing Zing Zingbah (Orange)
* Jumbah (Blue)
* Jingbah (Fuschia)

The Boohbahs can fly; part of their routine is to assemble into a circle, holding hands like skydivers. Each then emits a different musical note as a flash of colored light (matching the Boohbah's color) is sent out from their heads to a central point."
ooooooooooh, ok. its all making sense now. i mean, whats more normal/educational than some furry, penis-headed, squeeking 'zang-zangs' and 'joombahs'? i dunno.

i miss the days of sesame street and mr.rogers.
sincerely,
dubya

dear sandals & socks,
yall combine to make a formittable foot-coverage choice to be reckoned with!
everytime i see someone a middle aged man wearin his socks under some sandals, i laugh. often to his face.
here is the ONLY reason why socks & sandals should be worn together:
-you're jesus christ, and your aunt hazel gave you socks for christmas, and you were going to visit her.
oh. whats that? youre not jesus?? then you have no excuse.
sincerely,
dubya

dear craig ferguson,
you suck.
after an entertaining hour of letterman, i have to flip to conan as fast as possible b/c i cant stand to watch ANY AMOUNT of your show.
you will never ever fill craig kilborns shoes, so howz-a-bout you give up, and let someone else host the late late show....preferably someone without an accent.
sadly, youre show is even worse than last call w/ carson daly. and thats sayin' alot.
although i like carson as a person, hes about as much fun as a sack of bricks.
maybe one day ill sit through your show, craig, buuuuut thatll prob never happen.
sincerely,
dubya

dear jared leto,
you freak me out!
lisa renna may look like a fish, however you look like a lemur...a scared, gay, emo, lemur.

what happened to the good ole days when you just did semi-decent acting?
did my so called life and snatch mean nothing to you???
you just had to throw away years of respect as an actor, squeeze into some size 3 black lady-pants, tie on a scarf and load up on eyeliner?
come back to looking normal. we miss you.
sincerely,
dubya

dear teddy ruxpin,
you were a toy for all ages.
i was always a fan of un-velcro-ing that felt backflap, poppin in a cassette tape and have you do all the hard work. eff this whole reading thing. ill check out the pictures whilst an electronic bear tells me whats goin on.
but even more fun than that, was the fact you could put any tape in his ass, and he'd speak/sing it. nothing brings a smile to an 1988s youngsters face, than the jowles of T.Rux, belting out some of george michaels 'i want your sex.'oh well. at least i learned that animatronic animals know that 'sex is natural, sex is good...not everybody does it, but everybody should!'
sincerely,
dubya

dear jack-in-the-box,
nowadays, i usually hate comercials b/c their either loud, pointless, too fast, or aweful in many other ways.
but your comercials always seem to entertain me.
kudos for your most recent, where the cheerleader was hired in the office to boost moral. i laugh everytime shes dancin infront of the copy machine.
i tried to find it on youtube, but no luck.
everyone just pause your tivos, set your dvrs, and pop in a tape. its worth the watchinz.
however, resume regular tv watching w/out paying attention to comercials before the head-on (apply directly to the forehead) ad comes on...its the worst!


sincerely,
dubya

dear fall '06,
youre the reason i havent written a letter in about 2 weeks, and i hate you right now.
i have no extra time, and NO extra energy.

basically, my schedule keeps me preoccupied and stressed all week, with little reprieve.
whats even worse, im taking a life drawing class (which i love), but ive had my fare share of sketching foo-foo nests, lady businesses, and old man-balls to last me looong enough. also, because i go through about 3 charcoal sticks per session, i come out lookin' like this.
so bare with me.....and countdown the days til christmas break.
sincerely,
dubya

dear kathy lee gifford,
today is probably your least favorite holiday.

hey, somebody's gotta embroider those size 32 sweatpants and matching sweater with the K.L.Gifford insignia. preferably some kids, right?
sincerely,
dubya

dear jennifer lopez,
the MTV video music awards just ended, and looks like you drew inspiration for your outfit from the cancer centers of america fall '06 collection.

very chic.
sincerely,
dubya

dear fergie,
your summer jam, 'london bridge' continues to be a hit amongst the masses, but i gotta do my part and bring ya back down to reality.
first, take a shower. your lookin extra greased up everytime you appear on my TV screen.
next, fix thos eyebrows. the penciled-in tranny look is not cool...esp. since you made the wise choice of piercing a 'brow. i had to do a double take, cause it was halfway up your forehead.
also, i would appreciate if you reunited with Wild Orchid. you seemed to have a lil bit more class in the 90s. post-Kids Inc., and pre-Black Eyed Peas.
sincerely,
dubya

dear nickleback,
come on guys. get your shit together.
youve got a new song out, and i didnt even bother to look up the name b/c THEY ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME!
i dont even want to venture into the painful hour and a half your album must be. 12 songs, all containing the forced, raspy moan of your mule-faced lead singer. dude, youre a one trick pony....no pun intended.
sincerely,
dubya

dear passions,
you have got to be the most rediculous show ever created.
soap operas are pretty worthless to begin with, but you take it to the next level.
ive gotten the privledge of catching bits and pieces of you, and wish i could have those minutes back.
heres where you bewilder me:
first, it seems to me your storylines are just straight up bizarre and unecessary. case and point, pictured above, some kind of tarzan/lost island story? im not thrown off, b/c one of the only consistent things on the show are scenes with random shirtless dudes. i guess the wardrobe ppl know that housewives and post-menapausal ladies loves them some bare-chested latinos.
ok, this is also amazing.
apparently, there is a witch, and her sidekick is a midget. err, i mean 'little person'.
thats somethin id LOVE to see....more-so the hobbit than the lady, but beggers cant be choosers.
and here, we have who i think is a main character of the show. and i cant look at her too long without going into a trance. upon my first look, i made the connection. she is definitly of pug descendance.
if anyone knows anything about this circus act of a show, fill me in.
sincerely,
dubya

dear lisa renna,
i dont know where to start with you.
i guess ill go with the most obvious issue. THOSE LIPS!
what the hell are you thinking with those colegen-filled, flesh flaps?
i can tell ya one thing, the huge lip look barely passes as 'hot' on angelina jolie, so you get nowhere near being able to pull it off.
i guess they may come in handy when tryin to get some pretty prestigeous jobs like co-host of soaptalk and dancer on dancing with the unknowns stars.
come winter, stock up on the chapstick, cause god knows youll fly through a few tubes.
sincerely,
dubya

dear diesel trucks,
anyone who drives you is an inconsiderate bastard. you are the loudest, biggest, most unnecessary vehicle ever created.
ok, ill let it slide, if youre hauling some heavy-duty cargo, like, ohhhh i dunno....a space shuttle. but, for the rest of you city-suburb dwellers, GET RID! news flash gas-guzzler, your penis is no bigger in your wranglers, and by no means does it qualify you as a 'cowboy'.
i can say all this, b/c i got MR. Neighbor McDrives-a-douche-mobile, who cranks up his engine at 6:30 am.
thanks for the wake-up jackhammerin', but id like to sleep.
sincerely,
dubya