dear honey mustard,
ive replaced all other condiments with you.
ketchup?....nope.
ranch?.....nuh-uh.
regular mustard?....ah, HELLZ NO!
H.M., youre the perfect combo of sweet, tangy, and heaven. and im pretty sure TGIFridays and Chilis put a dash of crack cocaine in you.
nothin says 'happy fatty', like a large waffle fry dipped in honey mustard.
sincerely,
dubya

dear celebrities with alter-egos,
i dont get it. why do yall feel the need to be 2 people? do you expect people to take this seriously?
because of this fact, im going to this individually.
first:


clark kent vs. superman
this is the ONLY acceptable reason to have an alter ego.
with the release of superman returns, alter egos have moved into the spotlight. now, i dont see any other celeb fighting crime or hiding a love affair with a lois lane type, so lets move on to the rediculousness.


beyonce vs. sasha
so, beyonce says she uses her alter ego 'sasha' on stage, because off stage shes not as sexual and much more shy. ok beyonce, i understand that, but you dont need a new name for that. i think jay-z/sean carter has rubbed off on you way too much.


mary j. blige vs. brook
mjb's new song enough cryin' debuts her alter ego 'brook'. mary j sings while brook raps.....this is too much.
she was on saturday night live, singing this song, and goes, "in a minute, im gonna bring out my girl brook."...i sat there awaiting the entrance of another performer. alas, it was only mary j's black ass onstage throught the entire 3.27 minutes.


christina aguilera vs. baby jane
xtina went from pop princess, to whore-bucket, to flapper-inspired 'baby jane' in the past 7 or 8 years.
personally, i prefer the slutty one, but thats individual taste.
a word of advice christina, when your naming your alter ego, dont name it after a 1962 bette davis film about a burnt out child star. its creepy and sad.


garth brooks vs. chris gaines
this is by far the most re-dunkulous one. country singer gone gay/dark/rocker?
i find it funny that garth brooks thought this would be a good career choice. while all the previously mentioned people never released an album under their egos name, he however thought it would make perfect sense. this was the beginning of the end of my respect for garth.

so, to all up and coming artists. take a hint from these people. unless your a comic hero, its unacceptable to try and pass off an alter ego.
you just look crazy.
sincerely,
dubya

dear liver,
im sorry. please forgive me.
saturday night was quite the endurance run for you. in the next few years, it wouldnt suprise me if you packed your bags and jumped ship.
hang in there.
oh, and next time we eat chinese food at 3 am, and go to WanFu thanks for everything, julie newmar restaurant i vow to not beg the waiter for extra saki.
both you, and my bank account are still trying to recover from the weekend.
sincerely,
dubya

dear zach galifianakis & fiona apple,
thank you for being the most entertaining duo EVER!
fiona, who knew you were so funny. but recently youve revealed your obsession/love for columbo, and teamed up with zach on two hilarious occasions.
zach, i always knew you were the funniest som-na-bitch around. from the days of late world w/ zach all the way to your new show on cemedy central, dog bites man.

yalls song Come on and Get It (Up in 'Dem Guts) was released in the past few days and i cant get enough. SO FUNNY! everyone should listen, download, and memorize this song. its officially my summer 2k6 anthem.

also, if people havent seen the first collaboration. fiona, your video for not about love was zach-tastic.


gotta love it comedians can appreciate the brown shirt.
now i need fiona in it.

sincerely,
dubya

dear bob barker,
i want to be you!
youre about 93 years old, and still rockin the most feminine microphone ever seen. you still have 'barkers babes', except without those damn lawsuits that came along with those uptight blondes of years past. i mean, i agree with you. whats wrong with little sexual advances like, "oh. hey lady. how bout you go 'showcase showdown' on THIS!"

also, youve gone so far on the tanning, you look like a negative. i bet your instant messenger name is something like silverfox69. here are some celebrities who wish they were as melignantly blessed:

george hamilton, charlize theron, jennifer lopez, and even grace jones all take notes from the barker bible of tanning.
you can never be replaced as host on the price is right.
sincerely,
dubya

dear kathy najimy,
let me begin by saying, "i like you."
now that i got that outta the way, i can tell you how let down ive been as of recently. youve made a few wise career choices (i.e. sister act, hocus pocus, rat race) and youve made some EXTREMLY bad career choices (i.e. new edition, if these walls could talk 2)
the worst has come in the past few weeks. game $how marathon?!? you go from being the voice of peggy hill, to a sub-par, cbs, mash-up of 70s game shows....hosted by ricky lake none the less. what has she done since cry baby and her daytime freak show? ummm, try nothing.
im sending you a step by step najimy-a-graph.

please study it carefully. see the mistakes youve made?
its never been as good since you belted out "wooo-wooo-woooo" next to whoopie goldberg during OH MARIA.
good luck. im a fan. really.
sincerely,
dubya

ps- you deserve some kind of award for taking care of that butter princess, kirsty alley.

"have YOU called jenny yet?"

dear julie chen,
well, so it begins.
tonight youre on the late show w/ david letterman and wednesday you grace us with your presence on the big brother 7 all-stars special.

anyone whose ever watched bb1-6 with me knows, you rub me wrong! you ruin the pure joy that i call big brother. i mean, here i am, waiting every summer for the greatest television show ever, and yet i gotta sit through the aweful seguays and your godlier-than-thou "hello houseguests." oh, and thankfully someone discovered you certainly are a chen-bot.


notice her uncrossing her legs the exact same way/time---all in sequence with her god aweful "BUH-FIRSS"
julie, it pains me to see/hear you every tuesday, wednesday and saturday. but, hopefully this season will be filled with janelle kicking ass & taking names, and less of you....considering you only got the job because your effing Les Moonves, the president and CEO of CBS.
sincerely,
dubya

dear kermit,
i have a few things to tell you.
first, get some balls, and stand up against that superficial bitch, miss piggy. whats with her? shes a pig for gods sake....a fat, blonde, pig.
second, and more importantly, we met a guy last weekend whose smile that reminded us of your jim henson-esque, muppet grin. so naturally, we nicknamed him 'kermit'.
ok ok. thats where the similarities end. but i had to show you this character.

here he is, impressing me with his dance moves.


here he is, doing the sprinkler. or mixing on an invisible turntable. still, look how impressed i am.


and beware---here he is, taking articles of clothing off.....in a bar....infront of strangers....whipping passer bys with his tee....making a fool of himself....embarassing anywhere in a 1 foot vacinity (us.)







here he is, still making a scene. note: john arnold is totally checking him out.









it was kinda nice, because finally, i wasnt 'that guy'.
sincerely,
dubya

dear pu-pu platters,
nobody wants to eat a polynesian, mix & match, skewer ridden, sampler named after a bowel movement.
i say the asians are pulling a cruel joke on us, and snicker in the kitchen, that they make americans say such things at dining establishments. might as well be renamed "im american. i have no couth. i want that there plate of chicken 'n sticks. and dont furrget tha lil fire place in the middle. i like ta act like im campin' "
thatd still be more acceptable than reciting bodily functions infront of strangers.
sincerely,
dubya

dear redheads,
why is it that yall always hook up with each other? i think one day, theyll find that you are genetically hardwired to seek out other redheads, greet, fornicate, and produce countless other redheads.
you guys are natures way of telling the human race, "hey, brunette. simmer down. look. it could be worse."
sorry to offend any of you, or your kind. i know if i piss you off, youll get your flaming orange mafia on my ass.
sincerely,
dubya

dear campus,
today, as i was coming home from the bank, i saw a large group of people with all kinds of equipment. i passed by, trying to figure what the hell was going on.
the statues on you were covered by leaves and other plants. (i couldnt belive someone disfigured george washington with cheap foliage!)
i got outta the way and asked some ladies what was up. they didnt know either, and soon relocated after one said, "do yall wanna move closer?" - whilst giving me the lets get away from this creepy guy look.
i sat there, and finally grew a pair, and asked a random crew guy what all this was for. he told me they were shooting a remake of the 80's thriller, the hitcher. with these people:


sophia bush- from one tree hill, and ill-fated marraige to chad michael murray. whom always looks like hes the near sighted kid at the back of the class, tryin to read the chalkboard.

sean bean- from flightplan, and lord of the rings.

zachary knighton- from, well....not much, except law & order. (insert ominous BOMM-BOMM! sound here)

and, directed by dave myers- hes done just about every music video made since 1991...the only reason i recognized him was from MTV forcing making the video on me as a tween. valuable brain space, now filled with britney spears in a red jump suit, chatting it up with a guy on mars. damnation!
but wait, that wasnt the best part. i swear there was a guy there wearing the urban sombrero! this man was rockin' it like it was straight outta the j.peterman catologue. it was great, because i could totally look like i was taking pictures of the set, when in all actuality, i was capturing the awesomness of this fellow.
thanks for the entertainment.
sincerely,
dubya

dear 'the 4400',
i suggest everyone watch you. the season premiere is tonight at 9/8c on USA. if youre a fan of LOST or any of the X-Men movies, youll like the 4400. i didnt get a chance to see earlier seasons, but USA has been showing re-runs and stuff recently, and i gotta say, its pretty addicting. here are 3 videos i could find:


theres a bit to catch up on, but the the website helps, and i think theres a re-cap before the new episode tonight. so set up your TiVo.
sincerely,
dubya

dear epileptics,
it must be pretty rough being you. back in like, '99 yall had issues watching pokemon because the fast motions and bright flashes of light. well, heres a heads up--dont watch the new lil jon video, snap ya fingers. its a guaranteed seizure. obviously, he didnt care that his video would send yall to the hospital and everybody else running for the advil with a migraine headache.

might be "off tha chain" if youre on crack, but for the general public, not so much.
sincerely,
dubya

dear republic of texas bike rally,
you were in town this past weekend. along with the kajillions of motorcylces, you brought endless mullets, handle bar mustaches, and leather EVERYTHING....but, we can not forget the hot, chopper ridin' babes! i got a chance to view this event on saturday night, and i cant wait till next year! for your viewing pleasure, i give you the hotties of rally of texas. and this is no joke, they came straight from ROT rally (their official website). im saving people the heartache and possible blindness if they looked through all 4 albums. here are my top notch ladies:
hot! check out that girlish figure.

nuff said

is she serious? seriously gorgeous!

this is why every other country hates americans.

i think this is by far my favorite, and sums up the whole thing. hot mama. creeper old dude. trucker hat. coors light in one hand, cigarette in the other. checkered flag in the background. jorts. SUCH A CLASSY OCCASION.

only in Texas....in other words, if you missed it, reserve your days inn room now! republic of texas biker rally '07 will be even better!!
sincerely,
dubya

dear ashlee simpson,
you piss me off for multiple reasons.
1. you dated that circus freakshow/annoying as hell ryan cabrera

2. you cant sing....at all.
2a. youre famous because of your sister...who cant sing either
2b. both of you think singing consists of breathy notes and wierd, long yelling noises (always combined with the hand waving around)

3. your black haircut phase...which im guessing was a ploy to make you seem edgy and hip. mission failed. you looked homeless.

4. MOST RECENTLY AND IMPORTANTLY you were on Entertainment Tonight talking about hollywood weight issues and said "why cant people just be happy with who they are, and the way they look?" wait, werent you the one who just got a shnoz job?

as i wrote this i realized it seemed pretty dated, which leads to my next point--how are you still famous? im even more baffled by the fact that youre touring this summer. touring? really? what year is it again??
ashlee, youre a walking suck-fest. get out of my face, along with your creepy preacher dad, and your proactive selling, nick lachey heart breaking, robbie williams covering, no good, older sister.
sincerely,
dubya

dear boys state,
i need to do some research and find out what the hell your purpose is. if i were to write out your mission statement, it would clearly say:

"we, the participants of boys state hereby solemly swear to infiltrate the university of texas @ austin. we vow to get in the way of students and faculty alike. we promise we shall do everything in our power to wander around aimlessly, and in never ending lines."

oh, and i'd add this photo to prove you werent joking around. this is just rediculous.

maybe trim down on the enrollment.
sincerely,
dubya

dear may,
i left you completly without any letters. upsetting, i know. but get ready---im back, and ready to do some damage.
never again will i leave a month without posts, because im gonna consult my 2006 crazy over swayze calendar.
oh, and thanks for ALL 3 COMMENTS. how come certain blogs get excess of 78 comments and i get 3?? this doesnt make much sense to me. eff all you non-commenters. unless only 3 people really read this.
sincerely,
dubya

dear readers,
let me start by apologizing for lack of posts. finals were this past week, so i had to buckle down for a bit. but, im back.
while on hiatus, i realized the lack of comments. not cool. after this monster-post, i better get some.
my brother sent me the link to married to the sea , you should all check out the hilarity on there. and well, if youve ever seen mikwright cards, both inspired me to make these:















many more to come later.
sincerely,
dubya

dear prince,
youve changed your name to a symbol, been known as the artist formerly known as prince, and back to prince again. well i think you need to change it to king. king badass as a matter of fact. youve somehow managed to get carmen electra, and droves of the female species. i guess the whole overtly sexual yet androgenous thing works.

i would love to enroll in the university of prince, and take these courses:
-avian sounds 101: doves crying
-cooking 315k: cream, getting it on top
-hat making 304g: berets of the raspberry variety
-us history: examining partying like its 1999
-feline studies: practicing pussy control
sincerely,
dubya

dear babies,
what is it that makes you smell so good? like oatmeal and a dash of heaven. i realize that a grown man shouldnt discuss how he likes the scent of a baby, but we all know everyone thinks it.

on the other hand, get out of my damn face if youre crying, screaming or making a scene. even worse is the opposite smell you little guys can force upon us. aaand tell your mothers to take notes--if youre ugly, no one wants to see/smell you. but by all means, keep breast feeding at cici's pizza and make everyone extremly uncomfortable.
sincerely,
dubya