dear listerine,
i know youre all about fighting gingivitis, and keepin my gums healthy, but does it have to be so painful? i looked on the active ingredients on the back of you, expecting to see acid, or napalm. what makes it even worse, is that the burning somehow makes me think youre working, so i make sure i swish for the full 30 seconds. stop the madness, or i may be forced to change to the new crest mouthwash, where they promise no burning--which we all know is a viscious lie.
sincerely,
dubya

dear side ponytails,
nothing says 'fun' like a rockin s.p.t...i saw a girl chillin at the cafeteria, sporting one of these fanciful creations. i was sooo tempted to go sit with her and learn many, many things. she would probably be knowledgeable in such things as shrinkidinks, teddy ruxbin, and lite brite.--and how to "strike a bitch without messin up tha hurrdid."
so, while some hairstyles need to go, like the bowl cut and the 'martha stewart', the side ponytail should stick around. forever.
sincerely,
dubya

dear casting agents,
i figured since ive been doing alot of look-a-likes on my page recently, you may want to pay attention. a movie based around my life is inevitable, therefore ive done the work for you.

judy holloway - andie mcdowell


travis holloway - jesus christ

but, jesus will probably be busy.
therefore, by default....travis holloway - comedian, zach galifianakis


wes holloway - johnny knoxville


herb holloway - hank hill


the stray cat that wanders around and has feline AIDS - teri hatcher


well, since easter is coming up, its gonna be one more holiday that will make for great material when it comes time for the script to be written.
sincerely,
dubya

dear root beer,
im totally bringin' you back. the past 17 years or so, youve been pushed out of the spotlight by cola and lemon-lime hybrids. it may be the heavy drinker in me that only likes you because you have beer in your name, but ive come to terms with that.
sincerely,
dubya

dear livelinks,
your commercial comes on really late at night, and always makes me kinda uneasy. what kind of people call to 'hook up in their area'? i think this is a way to annonymously meet up with a stranger and do the dirty. at least thats what your commercial seems to infer. thats shady to the max.
another thing that boggles my mind- is that LOST star evangiline lily telling me to call?
why does she need to call you, she doesnt even have a phone on that island for petes sake! maybe people reading this letter can tell me if this is really her, or they cast her look a like. either way, its weird.
heres my advice, leave the one night stands with strange people to those of us who go to bars.
sincerely,
dubya

dear texas relays,
you are a pain in my ass. 55,000 people all in my bidness on campus. you attract some characters that make good people watching, but for the most part its not worth it. for every 1 person i find dressed ghetto-fabulous, there are 4 large marges that wont move their fat rumps for the people who really need to use the ramps on the corner of the street.
if parking wasnt a hassle before, it sure is now. arent these people athletes? cant they just get ta steppin' and walk their happy (and obliviously annoying) asses to wherever the hell theyre going? sorry for the language im using, but ive picked up a few new slang words from these people. ill leave you to think about what i heard i guy call out to another girl.--->"daaamn gurl. what'chu doin bumpin all dem rotators??"...cause im still confused.
sincerely,
dubya

dear chicks with ginormous glasses,
like i said, i enjoy the extra sunlight we get from daylight savings, but you know what that means? the girls are gonna bust out those windsheild-esque face protectors they like to call sunglasses. i dont know which mary-kate-simp-han-goria told young women these were flattering. i mean, yeah, if youre ugly by all means cover it up with those monsterous blueblockers. but if youre remotely normal looking or attractive, do the world a favor and wear sunglasses meant for a normal sized face, not something that looks like it was constructed for intergalactic battle.
sincerely,
dubya

dear daylight savings time,
well, well, well. so we meet again. you have stolen an hour of my much needed sleep, and left me nothing but never ending daylight. i like the extra sun, warmer temps, and nice feeling of time travel as i wind my watch, but i do not like eating dinner at like 10 pm and i do not like forgetting to fix all my clocks and getting a DST-eed off.
sincerely,
dubya

dear readers,
im so sorry for neglecting you for a whole week. i really have no excuse, other than the fact professors seemingly love to have exams the few weeks after spring break. so, now that i got alot of those outta the way, no excuses.
sincerely,
dubya

dear apple laptops,
in this day and age, it seems like 1 out of 4 college students owns you. technology in the classroom is extremly helpful, however, if i have to sit next to a powerbook user again, i will scream. bill gates was an ass when he decided to make a laptop with the worlds loudest buttons. when people are typing notes, it sounds like a chicken pecking at plastic bubble wrap. whats even worse, is the fact that it bothers you even more once you notice it. gone are the days when the only annoying sound was mr.mouth breather next to you. now we have sally mctypes-alot over here. these people should be punished to the highest extent.
sincerely,
dubya

dear rihanna,
i like your new song SOS, and i can already tell it will get really played out very very soon. but one thing bothered me as i watched the music video. i couldnt pin point it, until all of a sudden it dawned on me---it looks like a mash up of just about every beyonce video. i dont think this was on purpose, but hey, thats what happens when jay-z "discovers" you. i did a little slipt screen action, and it was proven. you on the left, beyonce on the right.
<---(click the picture to see for yourself.)
sincerely,
dubya




if you feel like watching it. here:

dear dr. red duke,
during my awesome spring break, i saw you by the elevators at herman hospital. i was blinded by your majestic mustach, and country swagger. i assume you still go into patients rooms and say stuff like, "ah, kitten whiskers! rub some of that-there vazzaleen on it, and getchuur britches back on tha range!" youre like the dr.quinn medicine woman of the 21st century, except youre not dating a white guy that was raised by native americans....or are you?
sincerely,
dubya

dear sam donaldson,
after some investigating, i found your long lost brother.
you guys thought you were pretty sneaky, livin in different universes and all. but i found you out. theres no mistaking those distinguished, semi-creepy, donaldson brows.
sincerely,
dubya

dear denim shirts,
you are the only thing less cool than 'jorts'. i really want to know the first person to say, "ya know, i love my blue jeans, but if only i could wear them ALL OVER!"
you arent light wieght. you arent soft. you arent anything but a big blue layer of non-sexy. you and your friend, overalls, need to stay in the early 90's and never ever ever return.
sincerely,
dubya

dear hilary duff,
i heard you have the record for 'most tickets sold' in houston livestock show & rodeo. thats cool and all, but it still doesnt explain the huge teeth you have now. such a drastic change from normal sized teeth, to blindingly white, mega dentures. simmer down with the veneers.
sincerely,
dubya

dear saint patrick,
year after year, you bring a holiday for us irish folk to just go all out. ive decided you are the patron saint of everything good. for example, green beer, green hats, green shots, and did i mention green beer? all these things make you my favorite saint. you just surpassed saint nick and christmas! on the downside, i kinda think youre the patron saint of hangovers and regretful photos, too.
sincerely,
dubya

dear stephen cojocaro,
or 'cojo' as you have had people call you. while im on the subject of hideous entertainment corresponants, i had to bring you up. god, you are not appealing to any sense. when i would see you on the today show, i couldnt get past the fact that katie curic hadnt thrown up on you. youre like a ape-woman-manatee-person. and youre always on tv for someone else giving you an organ. you say something like "my best friend is an angel. she gave me an organ, therefore giving me life. what an angel"....hey, ms.vanity, get over it and get in the real world. i could do your job, shoot, aaaanyone could do your job. ugh, just looking at that picture makes me so queezy.
sincerely, dubya

dear mail order wife,
i saw you the other day, and have been talking about you ever since. i suggest this movie to everyone....however, i tuned in about 3 minutes in, and knew nothing about the film. so, to let everyone know, its a fake documentary about a mail order bride from asia. here i am, feeling aweful for this poor asian woman. i realized later that it was fake, and actually funny. the actors were just that good, i guess.
heres the weird part. after i watch it, i flip to sex in the city, and woah, one of the actors was a pizza delivery guy. i love when stuff like that happens. theeeen, on conan obrian last night, the same guy is in one of the short sketches!!! this naturally led to an imdb search.
sincerely,
dubya

dear giuliana depandi,
your head is a freakin' monstrosity! how do you carry that thing around?!? i wouldnt mind watching E! news live, but the sight of your face/head combination is painful. im not sure why E! keeps you around. its not even like your look is "unique-hot", its more like "unique-circus". somehow, you managed to cram in way too many teeth in a tiny jaw, on your upside down teardrop head. im anticipating your true hollywood story, entitled: giuliana depandi, the alien faced news anchor.
sincerely,
dubya

dear Matthew McConaughey,
i used to be a fan of yours. i thought you were this down to earth, chill, laid back guy from texas. but barbera walters informed the american viewers of one issue. you havent worn deoderant in 20 years! ummm, sick.
i can only imagine the b.o. you exuded on the set of sahera...then again, i guess thats what penelope cruz likes about you. it probably remindes her of being back in whatever latin american country shes from.
maybe stetson was trying to send you a hint when they hired you as their spokesperson. grown-man-sweat-stench can not be solved by mearly splashing on some stetson. take a shower. use some scented soap. put on some speed stick. and go about your day. would it be that hard? it would make all the people within a 5 feet radius much happier.
sincerely,
dubya