dear halloween,

sorry ive been keepin these short, but just wanted to wish everyone a happy halloween.
go out, get dressed, get drunk, and get candy...cause you know when you go to school tomorrow, you can trade with friends.
sincerely,
dubya

dear reba mcentire,
while im on a roll of celebrities lookin like fish, pugs, lemurs, etc.

nuff said.
sincerely,
dubya

dear boohbahs,
what the hell kind of psycho-tropic drug were people on when they created you?
i caught a few minutes of your show on PBS on saturday, watched, & tried to figure out what in gods name i was seeing.
thanks to wikipedia, i learned it was from the people who made teletubbies (go figure).
i also learned this:
"...The Boohbahs are five furry, gumdrop-shaped creatures played by actors in full body costumes. Their thick, shimmery fur sparkles with tiny lights; their Kewpie doll style heads are hairless and feature big eyes with rows of lights for eyebrows. They do not speak, but instead make noises like squeaks, squeals, "poofs", and clicks. The Boohbahs can retract their heads into their furry necks. Each Boohbah is a different color. They are:

* Humbah (Yellow)
* Zumbah (Purple)
* Zing Zing Zingbah (Orange)
* Jumbah (Blue)
* Jingbah (Fuschia)

The Boohbahs can fly; part of their routine is to assemble into a circle, holding hands like skydivers. Each then emits a different musical note as a flash of colored light (matching the Boohbah's color) is sent out from their heads to a central point."
ooooooooooh, ok. its all making sense now. i mean, whats more normal/educational than some furry, penis-headed, squeeking 'zang-zangs' and 'joombahs'? i dunno.

i miss the days of sesame street and mr.rogers.
sincerely,
dubya

dear sandals & socks,
yall combine to make a formittable foot-coverage choice to be reckoned with!
everytime i see someone a middle aged man wearin his socks under some sandals, i laugh. often to his face.
here is the ONLY reason why socks & sandals should be worn together:
-you're jesus christ, and your aunt hazel gave you socks for christmas, and you were going to visit her.
oh. whats that? youre not jesus?? then you have no excuse.
sincerely,
dubya

dear craig ferguson,
you suck.
after an entertaining hour of letterman, i have to flip to conan as fast as possible b/c i cant stand to watch ANY AMOUNT of your show.
you will never ever fill craig kilborns shoes, so howz-a-bout you give up, and let someone else host the late late show....preferably someone without an accent.
sadly, youre show is even worse than last call w/ carson daly. and thats sayin' alot.
although i like carson as a person, hes about as much fun as a sack of bricks.
maybe one day ill sit through your show, craig, buuuuut thatll prob never happen.
sincerely,
dubya

dear jared leto,
you freak me out!
lisa renna may look like a fish, however you look like a lemur...a scared, gay, emo, lemur.

what happened to the good ole days when you just did semi-decent acting?
did my so called life and snatch mean nothing to you???
you just had to throw away years of respect as an actor, squeeze into some size 3 black lady-pants, tie on a scarf and load up on eyeliner?
come back to looking normal. we miss you.
sincerely,
dubya

dear teddy ruxpin,
you were a toy for all ages.
i was always a fan of un-velcro-ing that felt backflap, poppin in a cassette tape and have you do all the hard work. eff this whole reading thing. ill check out the pictures whilst an electronic bear tells me whats goin on.
but even more fun than that, was the fact you could put any tape in his ass, and he'd speak/sing it. nothing brings a smile to an 1988s youngsters face, than the jowles of T.Rux, belting out some of george michaels 'i want your sex.'oh well. at least i learned that animatronic animals know that 'sex is natural, sex is good...not everybody does it, but everybody should!'
sincerely,
dubya