dear tom cruise,
everyone and their mom has been talking about you, but i had to put my two cents in as well. you are the craziest muther effer i have ever seen. youre venturing into michael jackson territory for gods sake.
a few things really make my skin crawl:
1. your smile/laugh/kackle
2. you made "katie" change her name to "kate" b/c the first was too childish
3. your forced, red carpet make out sessions w/ "kate"
4. you were once married to mimi rogers
5. your adopted kids have to live w/ alien lifeform 'suri'
6. your smile/laugh/kackle combined with high fives

the list could go on & on.
sincerely,
dubya

dear jordy asiatique,
i must meet you! i am amazed by your pelvic thrusts and uncanny ability to get flocks of older women. i cant understand a word youre saying, but i managed to catch "i numba one" and a "i love youuuu woah-oh-oh" in there...i think. i also want to know where you able to get a mini, red, leisure suit.

when does your tour hit the US? its gonna be nuts!
sincerely,
dubya

dear ritz peanut butter crackers,
i dont have much else to say.
i think this picture i made pretty much sums it up.

wise move, heysus. wise move.
sincerely,
dubya

dear lisa loeb,
ive been watching your reality show, #1 Single, where you're trying to find the perfect guy to date/marry. as i watched i realized i like you alot. youre funny, talented and down to earth.
however, the one thing from holding you back from being happy is that annoying sister of yours. everytime you think things are going well, she makes this shocked & equally ugly face, and tells you all the things that are wrong. it seems to me, that she wants you to be miserable, just because she cant get any.....ditch ole Debbie Loeb, and go with whoever you like, you deserve it.
sincerely,
dubya

dear rita cosby,
ok, seriously. whats your deal? who transplanted a dudes vocal chords into you? or, are you just really a man?
i try to sit through 30 minutes of your voice, but if i close my eyes, you sound like barry whites love child with james earl jones. your voice is so humorously deep and fascinating, i get mesmerized then instantly creeped out.
fox news made a good call by letting you move to msnbc. you however, made a bad call by not injecting yourself with an extra 100 cc of estrogen every morning. because, well, you really need it.
sincerely,
dubya

dear yesterday,
im so upset i missed out on your holiday! apparently, april 20th is National 'look alike day'. with the way things have been going, i feel like everyday is look alike day. but, according to bizzare american holidays, every day is a holiday. and, theyre all equally redonkulous and awesome. lets just say if i wouldve been on top of things for 'look alike day' i wouldve shown you this:
bratz dolls were obviously modeled after country pop icon, pam tillis.
sincerely,
dubya

dear silent hill,
you look like the most disturbing movie to be hitting theatres in ages. im not a fan of scary movies, and you just look frightening times 10. if little kids werent scary enough, you go ahead and throw in some contorted, skin-hangy, devil things. i gotta say, i havent seen you, nor do i want to b/c of my fear of messin' muhself.
but one thing bothers me, if i were this blonde woman, id be like "ah hell no! my daughter can take care of her own damn self." get back in my SUV, and run like hell.
i think ill skip you and just hit up the benchwarmers. but equally disturbing is the guy who plays napolean dynamite, because he does the same voice/character in everything....eh, guess that leaves me with some pretty slim pickin's.
sincerely,
dubya

dear people who wear different schools' shirts,
i understand the average college students wardrobe consists of t-shirts and jeans. i also understand that laundry is very low on the priority list. but neither of these are excuses to wear a different schools shirt on campus. it leaves everyone to wonder, "would you rather go to Harvard?" or "i wonder if they have a girlfriend at UCLA?" and even, "did they get lost on their way to Shriener College?"
if youre at a&m wear an a&m shirt. UT=UT shirt. i know this seems redundant and self explanitory. but you people are obviously very very dense. so, next time you decide to walk out the door onto any campus worldwide, make sure its appropriate.
sincerely,
dubya

dear austin weather,
the past few days youve been pretty awesome.
keep up the good work!
i dont wanna jinx it, but thanks!!!
sincerely,
dubya

dear olives,
you are all gross. black, green, i dont care what color---all gross. you manage to ruin everything you touch. in pizza, sandwiches, and even martinis, you really kick it up a notch of disgusting. i hate how you even manage to squeeze into chef salads. you're in places i would never expect, and in tiny chopped up pieces.
i know im not alone in my dislike of you. i mean c'mon, youre the one thing that people say, "if you dont like em, pick em off." i have no sympathy for you, supreme pizza ruiner. pick you off, i shall!
sincerely,
dubya

dear listerine,
i know youre all about fighting gingivitis, and keepin my gums healthy, but does it have to be so painful? i looked on the active ingredients on the back of you, expecting to see acid, or napalm. what makes it even worse, is that the burning somehow makes me think youre working, so i make sure i swish for the full 30 seconds. stop the madness, or i may be forced to change to the new crest mouthwash, where they promise no burning--which we all know is a viscious lie.
sincerely,
dubya

dear side ponytails,
nothing says 'fun' like a rockin s.p.t...i saw a girl chillin at the cafeteria, sporting one of these fanciful creations. i was sooo tempted to go sit with her and learn many, many things. she would probably be knowledgeable in such things as shrinkidinks, teddy ruxbin, and lite brite.--and how to "strike a bitch without messin up tha hurrdid."
so, while some hairstyles need to go, like the bowl cut and the 'martha stewart', the side ponytail should stick around. forever.
sincerely,
dubya

dear casting agents,
i figured since ive been doing alot of look-a-likes on my page recently, you may want to pay attention. a movie based around my life is inevitable, therefore ive done the work for you.

judy holloway - andie mcdowell


travis holloway - jesus christ

but, jesus will probably be busy.
therefore, by default....travis holloway - comedian, zach galifianakis


wes holloway - johnny knoxville


herb holloway - hank hill


the stray cat that wanders around and has feline AIDS - teri hatcher


well, since easter is coming up, its gonna be one more holiday that will make for great material when it comes time for the script to be written.
sincerely,
dubya

dear root beer,
im totally bringin' you back. the past 17 years or so, youve been pushed out of the spotlight by cola and lemon-lime hybrids. it may be the heavy drinker in me that only likes you because you have beer in your name, but ive come to terms with that.
sincerely,
dubya

dear livelinks,
your commercial comes on really late at night, and always makes me kinda uneasy. what kind of people call to 'hook up in their area'? i think this is a way to annonymously meet up with a stranger and do the dirty. at least thats what your commercial seems to infer. thats shady to the max.
another thing that boggles my mind- is that LOST star evangiline lily telling me to call?
why does she need to call you, she doesnt even have a phone on that island for petes sake! maybe people reading this letter can tell me if this is really her, or they cast her look a like. either way, its weird.
heres my advice, leave the one night stands with strange people to those of us who go to bars.
sincerely,
dubya

dear texas relays,
you are a pain in my ass. 55,000 people all in my bidness on campus. you attract some characters that make good people watching, but for the most part its not worth it. for every 1 person i find dressed ghetto-fabulous, there are 4 large marges that wont move their fat rumps for the people who really need to use the ramps on the corner of the street.
if parking wasnt a hassle before, it sure is now. arent these people athletes? cant they just get ta steppin' and walk their happy (and obliviously annoying) asses to wherever the hell theyre going? sorry for the language im using, but ive picked up a few new slang words from these people. ill leave you to think about what i heard i guy call out to another girl.--->"daaamn gurl. what'chu doin bumpin all dem rotators??"...cause im still confused.
sincerely,
dubya

dear chicks with ginormous glasses,
like i said, i enjoy the extra sunlight we get from daylight savings, but you know what that means? the girls are gonna bust out those windsheild-esque face protectors they like to call sunglasses. i dont know which mary-kate-simp-han-goria told young women these were flattering. i mean, yeah, if youre ugly by all means cover it up with those monsterous blueblockers. but if youre remotely normal looking or attractive, do the world a favor and wear sunglasses meant for a normal sized face, not something that looks like it was constructed for intergalactic battle.
sincerely,
dubya

dear daylight savings time,
well, well, well. so we meet again. you have stolen an hour of my much needed sleep, and left me nothing but never ending daylight. i like the extra sun, warmer temps, and nice feeling of time travel as i wind my watch, but i do not like eating dinner at like 10 pm and i do not like forgetting to fix all my clocks and getting a DST-eed off.
sincerely,
dubya

dear readers,
im so sorry for neglecting you for a whole week. i really have no excuse, other than the fact professors seemingly love to have exams the few weeks after spring break. so, now that i got alot of those outta the way, no excuses.
sincerely,
dubya